when you wish you could quit

A new Choice Mom wrote about her exhaustion with the first months of motherhood. Women in the community chimed in with support. Here are two of the responses:


Said Julia:
It is not easy. I find myself thinking the same thing about how could I have ever thought that I could handle this on my own. It comes in waves (my daughter is 3), but in the end she is the best thing that ever happened to me - even though it has been the hardest 3 years of my life. It does get incrementally better as they are able to do for themselves, and you will regain your strength as she sleeps longer (and she will!) and you will feel better about things. Let your inner strength and adrenaline take over for a bit and push through these arduous nights and I promise you it will be worth it!

The sleep deprivation is one of the hardest parts because then you are not in your right mind to stay centered and deal with the rest of parenting. I think all parents (single or otherwise) find it challenging - we just don't have anyone else to take a shift. It is normal to start feeling downright resentful when you don't get to sleep, eat, take a shower etc - but just let that go and try to simplify everything to basics. ASK for help - even if it is just to have someone else come over and sit with her while you sleep. Take care of yourself so you have something left to give her.

Try not to worry about the future (i.e. anxiety about when you go back to work, losing your job, house etc). In retrospect I realize that the worst part about the situations I've been in is the stress and anxiety I put on myself. Just take it one minute at a time (literally - even the whole day seems to much to think about at this point).

But mostly, find a support network to plug into so you don't feel so isolated in your struggle. There are plenty of other new moms feeling the same way out there, single or otherwise!

Hang in there! It will get better. Not necessarily easy, but as they start to emerge from this little creature who just needs so much all the time to one that gives you so much joy, it will seem so much better.

Responded another Choice Mom:

I'm so glad to have read all these posts! I adopted (was in the process for 21 months) my daughter from the foster care system. She came to live with me when she was 4 months old. She's now 2 years. I thought it would be easier than the child I gave birth to because I didn't start my parenting of her while I was hormonal and sleep-deprived. But, to my astonishment, the sleep deprivation came right along after
a few weeks of having her (and seemed to be a much stronger factor in my lack of mental clarity than the hormonal changes!).

Even though I wanted to have this child so badly, I OFTEN thought of giving her back (a real possibility because it took so long for her to be legally mine). I would just tell myself, not today ... but if I still feel like giving her back tomorrow, I'll think about it then. Of course, every tomorrow became today and I never did give her back. But, I spent months and months feeling awful because I wanted this child so much, had fought so hard to have her placed with me as a single mom, and here I was thinking (and sometimes making plans) about giving her back.

It's reassuring to know that other Choice Moms have felt the same way. I've rarely heard anyone talk about these feelings so candidly. It seems like such a long time ago now that I was seriously contemplating my other options, especially when I see her tenderly rubbing her sister's back or saying Good night Mommy :-) Occasionally, I still wonder if I made the right choice (in the same way that someone else posted about giving the child to a "real" family), but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Thanks again to everyone who has posted. It's a great reassurance to know that others out there have faced the same concerns.