Quick reading and listening for new moms

If you need a quick reminder, in your sleep deprived haze of newborn baby boot camp, that you have made a legitimate choice in becoming a mother on your own....note that "Choice Mom," a term coined only five years ago in the book "Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide," was 2009 contender for word of the year by Oxford New American Dictionary.

And if you didn't already listen, find the time for online radio show #12 of "Choosing Single Motherhood," which is about surviving Newborn Baby Boot Camp as a single parent.

This too shall pass. You are becoming a great mother, surrounded by a wonderful community of like-minded Choice Moms.

Mikki

What I've learned about motherhood so far

submitted by Denise

Hey Ladies,

After 10 months of motherhood, these are just a few of the things that I have learned.

1. Your baby will stick their fingers up your nose and pry open your mouth while you are trying to sleep.

2. Bodily fluids become normal and natural, even something to be celebrated. "Yay, she pooped!"

3. You will have to count the amount of wet diapers that your baby produces everyday and tell your pediatrician or Doctor.

4. You will never, ever be able to sleep in again. Or at least not for a very very long time.

5. It is a good idea to go to your local police/fire station to see if you have installed your car seat correctly. I went to the local fire station and guess what? I had not installed mine properly and they fixed it for me. It was also a bonus to see the hunky fire fighters that were there. Is it a prerequisite for the job to be a hunk?

6. You can buy nursing pads that are re-usable and washable. They are fantastic!!

7. Your support system is essential.

8. It is a strength to be able to ask for help when you need it, not a weakness. We are all humans and we all need one another.

9. At some point after you have your first, you will consider having another one.

10. You may or may not grieve your SMC status. I think that you will be more at peace with your decision to be an SMC if you are divorced as opposed to never married. However, I may be wrong on this. I will let you know in a few years.

11. The love that you have for your child/children is not like any love that you have ever experienced or that you will ever experience. It is unique, special, unconditional and lifelong. I am 41 and mom STILL worries about me.

12. It is possible to be really really tired but really really happy at the same time.

13. You won't resent the fact that you can no longer go to bars and dance the night away till 5 am. And even if you get a babysitter, it is unlikely that you will do that.

14. Separation anxiety is very real and a bit troubling even though it is very normal.

15. Unless you really love your job (and even if) you probably won't want to go back to work after your 1 year mat leave (I am speaking to my fellow Canadians here, I frankly cannot even fathom only getting 6 weeks or so. I feel for the American SMC's).

16. Having your own baby will probably bring you close(r) to your own mom/parents. Again, I could be wrong here but it definitely brought me closer to my mom and we were already VERY close.

17. The only truly "free" time that you will have is when your child naps and sleeps at night. Yahoo for that. Use that time wisely.

18. Every time that your baby smiles at you or laughs with you, your heart will melt.

Well, I guess that is all for now. Just thought I would share. Feel free to add on.

Now that you're Mom...another step you need to take

also posted on Waiting and Choice Mom blogs, because it's just that important:

I just learned that a 40-year-old Choice Mom-in-the-making, who lived in the D.C. area, suddenly died Christmas Day while 32.5-weeks pregnant, from the very rare pregnancy complication of HELLPS (Hemolytic anemia, Elevated Liver enzymes, and Low Platelet count).

Her baby boy was born safely, but she did not get to meet him.

On SO many levels this is tragic and makes all of us in the Choice Mom community stop with a collective gasp and remember what a blessing it is that all of us are here to enjoy the friends and family that surround us.

There are two silver linings in this woman's story.

One is that she was connected to her local Single Mothers by Choice community, which is now contributing to a trust fund in her son's name. Choice Moms is now beginning the steps toward establishing a fundraising event to involve our worldwide community. I'll continue to post here as this develops.

The second silver lining is that she was as prepared as anyone can be for this kind of tragedy.

This woman already had a guardian picked out, life insurance, and a will prepared. But most of us don't have this level of foresight, especially when we are so eager to conceive, deliver and embark on motherhood for the first time.

Choice Moms wants to help all of us become better educated about the importance of these steps BEFORE you plan to bring a child home. As Jessica, who told me about this woman's story, pointed out, many insurance companies won't give you insurance if you are pregnant.

We are hosting an event in D.C. on May 9 (day before Mother's Day) to build awareness of the importance of preparing for your child financially and legally....now. Stay tuned to ChoiceMoms.org for more information about this event, as well as partners who can help you get your paperwork, and more, in order.

when you wish you could quit

A new Choice Mom wrote about her exhaustion with the first months of motherhood. Women in the community chimed in with support. Here are two of the responses:


Said Julia:
It is not easy. I find myself thinking the same thing about how could I have ever thought that I could handle this on my own. It comes in waves (my daughter is 3), but in the end she is the best thing that ever happened to me - even though it has been the hardest 3 years of my life. It does get incrementally better as they are able to do for themselves, and you will regain your strength as she sleeps longer (and she will!) and you will feel better about things. Let your inner strength and adrenaline take over for a bit and push through these arduous nights and I promise you it will be worth it!

The sleep deprivation is one of the hardest parts because then you are not in your right mind to stay centered and deal with the rest of parenting. I think all parents (single or otherwise) find it challenging - we just don't have anyone else to take a shift. It is normal to start feeling downright resentful when you don't get to sleep, eat, take a shower etc - but just let that go and try to simplify everything to basics. ASK for help - even if it is just to have someone else come over and sit with her while you sleep. Take care of yourself so you have something left to give her.

Try not to worry about the future (i.e. anxiety about when you go back to work, losing your job, house etc). In retrospect I realize that the worst part about the situations I've been in is the stress and anxiety I put on myself. Just take it one minute at a time (literally - even the whole day seems to much to think about at this point).

But mostly, find a support network to plug into so you don't feel so isolated in your struggle. There are plenty of other new moms feeling the same way out there, single or otherwise!

Hang in there! It will get better. Not necessarily easy, but as they start to emerge from this little creature who just needs so much all the time to one that gives you so much joy, it will seem so much better.

Responded another Choice Mom:

I'm so glad to have read all these posts! I adopted (was in the process for 21 months) my daughter from the foster care system. She came to live with me when she was 4 months old. She's now 2 years. I thought it would be easier than the child I gave birth to because I didn't start my parenting of her while I was hormonal and sleep-deprived. But, to my astonishment, the sleep deprivation came right along after
a few weeks of having her (and seemed to be a much stronger factor in my lack of mental clarity than the hormonal changes!).

Even though I wanted to have this child so badly, I OFTEN thought of giving her back (a real possibility because it took so long for her to be legally mine). I would just tell myself, not today ... but if I still feel like giving her back tomorrow, I'll think about it then. Of course, every tomorrow became today and I never did give her back. But, I spent months and months feeling awful because I wanted this child so much, had fought so hard to have her placed with me as a single mom, and here I was thinking (and sometimes making plans) about giving her back.

It's reassuring to know that other Choice Moms have felt the same way. I've rarely heard anyone talk about these feelings so candidly. It seems like such a long time ago now that I was seriously contemplating my other options, especially when I see her tenderly rubbing her sister's back or saying Good night Mommy :-) Occasionally, I still wonder if I made the right choice (in the same way that someone else posted about giving the child to a "real" family), but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Thanks again to everyone who has posted. It's a great reassurance to know that others out there have faced the same concerns.

Feeling alone, and tired, as a new single mom

New Choice Mom Jo, 36, wrote when her daughter was 11 weeks old. Her daughter was conceived accidentally (failed contraception), shortly before her relationship ended, and she opted to raise her child alone. "She is beautiful, a joy, but I am really struggling with being a single parent. I do have a support network of family and friends but there's only a limited amount others can do. What I really miss is the loving arms of a partner telling me that everything's gonna be alright and I'm loved. I just wondered if any of you other moms have felt similarly when the reality hit."

As I responded:
Welcome to the journey! For me, the newborn year was definitely hardest. While there were great joys, and help for the first few months, there also was great fatigue and not knowing what I was doing...being afraid she would break if I did something wrong.

And then, with my second, I knew what I was doing, that he wouldn't break easily, but he didn't let me sleep through the night for an entire year, which was godawful. (He retrained me though; now I seem able to exist on six hours of sleep.)

I'm also not a baby person. But it did get much easier for me, with both of my kids, as they became more able to sit, babble, interact.

And even though they are now 9 and 4, I do still sometimes wish I had arms to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. Not usually related to parenting, but other life stresses.

As Kali wrote:
Gosh, your email really touched me. Consider this a cyber-hug.

Being a Choice Mom is really hard sometimes!! When people have asked me how I have found motherhood, I tell them that is is more than I ever imagined. I imagined that it would be REALLY REALLY hard, and it is so much harder. And I imagined that it would be REALLY REALLY wonderful, and it is so much more wonderful, too.

My daughter is 18 months, and I still have moments, sometimes days, when I really wish I had a husband to lean on for love and support.

It's hard to think logically when you are so emotional, but you are still post-partum and subject to all of the hormonal stuff that goes with it. Factor in the lack of sleep and general stress of trying to figure out this new little person who is dependent on you for EVERYTHING and it's natural to feel overwhelmed.

I am not sure the nature of your support system. But if there is something you really need, please let them know. I have found that people tend to do what they think they should, and sometimes they just don't know what you really need. So if you need a couple hours sleep, let them know that you need to hand off your daughter the second she is done eating and then go to bed. Or that you need them to cook dinner or run a load of laundry. Or give her bath or change her diaper or whatever. There are lots of things people can do for you or your daughter to give you a chance to catch your breath.

I promise it does get easier in the sense that you will start to trust your instincts around your daughter. There will absolutely be times when what has been working will suddenly stop, but you WILL figure it out again. And you will get better and better at doing so.

We're here if you need us.

After many more responses, Jo replied:
Oh thank you all SO much for your warm and candid replies. It helps so much to know that other women have been here and got through it. Thanks for your suggestions. I am already doing some of them. I am co-sleeping -- she sleeps so much better between feeds in with me.

To be honest, I think there is some conspiracy of silence about the sheer emotional exhaustion and toughness of the early days of motherhood. When I have spoken to some of my other friends who I met in childbirth preparation classes, although they are all married they feel very similarly -- and they HAVE got someone walking thru the door to give them a hug etc.

As well as the sheer fatigue and overwhelming busyness of caring for a newborn, I think the other thing I'm doing is grieving for the dream, or whatever the chapter in Mikki's book is called. The dream of the happy family unit with a wonderful guy who loves me and our baby.