Week 10: Being a new mom

submitted by Cathi

Well, I started back to work yesterday, and if I thought I was tired
BEFORE, man, it's going to be a tough week! Err, make that, tough
year.

Jenny is now 2 ½ months old and sleeping in longer chunks which makes
it a little easier, but it's still really tough not to have someone
to hand her over to. I guess I thought she'd be magically sleeping
through the night by now. My friends have really stepped up to help
out, and try to take turns keeping her for a night every other week
or so, which lets me get at least one full night's sleep here and
there. It makes a HUGE difference. I still cry a lot, but I think
it's from the sleep deprivation more than any depression, since I
generally feel pretty good about stuff despite the crushing
responsibility that I'm reminded of every time I look at her.

Generally I'm still shocked that she's mine – I don't know when you
adjust to the fact that this child is yours, but I still feel
sometimes like I'm babysitting or wonder where she came from. I
definitely miss the little things I took for granted (like being able
to hop out of the car to run in for something quick, like a gas
station Coke Icee!) and have resigned myself to eating all my meals
lukewarm for another year or so, but I don't regret my decision.
Don't get me wrong, I come close! It's way harder than I thought it
would be. I question every choice I make, second-guess myself
constantly, and worry about the craziest stuff. But I'm very lucky,
she's a calm and quiet baby, and very happy. Being able to work from
home is a gift, and I lucked out with the nanny (a young single mom
who charges me less because she brings her baby with her, who is 2
weeks older than Jenny).

My thoughts and wishes are with everyone still going through the
agony of trying and waiting and all the frustration and hope that
entails. ENJOY YOUR SLEEP. Go to a movie alone. Savor a hot meal that
isn't crackers dipped in peanut butter because you don't even have
time or energy to spread it. Come babysit for me :-). Realize that
some of us who have been successful are terrified constantly, wracked
with guilt, overwhelmed with the pressure of motherhood, and jealous
of you for the lives we once had. My fingers are crossed for you all
to experience this wonderful misery as well!

And please don't let me scare you, I just want to be very honest in
case there are people out there who have a less-than-realistic notion
of how this works out. No matter how many times people told me, 'It
will change your life', I apparently didn't believe them! I think
having more time off would help, because by then Baby should be
sleeping more. I would still suggest having some help at the beginning -
my mom was here for the first three weeks and I don't know that I
could have done it without her (I definitely wouldn't have bathed,
eaten, done laundry or napped ever, that's for sure).

Of course it's not horrible, but it's not easy. And if you see the
pictures, you can understand the reward. I would still do it all over
again in a heartbeat. As I type this now I've got a soft little snoozing head
resting on my chest because she had to get her 2-month shots this
morning (so traumatic for me! I burst into tears!) and she needs a
little extra mama snuggle time. My heart explodes when I look down at
her and I can't resist kissing the tip of her little button nose.
Need I say more?

for more from this new mom and her Jellybean, see her blogspot.

10 Ways I Know I'm a Mom

from Cathi

1. I can eat a meal with one hand and a baby’s butt 5 inches from my face. With a full diaper. (The baby, not me.) Although I wish it was politically correct to wear Depends all the time, since I never have time to go to the bathroom, or I pee when I sneeze. And yes, you learn to pee while holding a baby.

2. I watch the baby instead of whatever is on the TV, and it’s much more entertaining, even if she’s just napping.

3. I wake up in the middle of the night out of a dead sleep and look at the clock blearily, wondering, ‘Did I remember to change her after I fed her last time? Where are we in the feed/burp/diaper/sleep cycle?’ And then lay awake despite my exhaustion until I have comforted myself that yes, she’s still breathing. Every single night.

4. Guilt comes in so many more varieties and flavors than I previously thought.

5. One thing that has totally blindsided me is the overwhelming protectiveness. I am now afraid of everything. Once a fearless person, I am now terrified of robbers, falling down the stairs, carjackers, the first day of kindergarten, kidnappers, germs, bad drivers, the nanny quitting before she’s started, making mistakes, leukemia, and over/under-feeding. Not necessarily in that order and not a complete list. I even have taken the time to consider how I would maneuver in case I was behind a truck on the highway and suddenly an object came through my windshield. How could I take the blow so it would avoid the baby?

6. I sometimes look at my child and wonder in a very abstract way whose she is.

7. I cry every single day. Sometimes because I’m so damn happy and lucky. Sometimes because I am angry and hurt and sad and bitter about her donor. Sometimes because time is falling through my fingers and I’m too sleep-deprived and overwhelmed to enjoy these fleeting moments despite every single well-intentioned stranger telling me to do just that. And sometimes I’m just a tired cranky pants and, like a baby, need to unwind. See, I’m crying right now. Hormones blow.

8. I take a freakish delight in scaring non-moms with my labor horror story.

9. So far today I have picked boogers out of someone else’s nose, washed poo down my garbage disposal (long story), cleaned a c-section incision, had an involved conversation with a doctor about lochia, inquired about someone else’s child’s poo, and put a pacifier that had fallen on the optometrist’s floor in my mouth to ‘clean’ it.

10. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. But, uh, I’d skip that back labor part if I could. And the grotesquely swollen feet. And I’d make it okay to drink while pregnant, since I’m making wishes here. And I’d take all nine months off work and just sleep. And…