Meeting half-siblings

A woman with two young children recently wrote me to indicate that a half-sibling of her kids was coming all the way from another country to the U.S., and while here wanted to meet her kids, since they shared the same sperm donor.

The mother was concerned because she didn't feel prepared to talk to her kids about how they were connected, yet didn't want to miss the opportunity to meet.

In addition to checking the wisdom you can find on Donor Sibling Registry, I recommended the following:

I'd start here. Some of the LISTEN audios on the website should be helpful (including the one with Ryan Kramer, and the one with a donor who has met offspring).

This is about answering the daddy question, but also simply about having the "donor" conversations.

I always recommend Donor Conception Network for their Telling and Talking series, which you'll find in Resources. A recent radio show, posted on ChoiceMoms.org, is with the founder of this organization, about telling the story....show #17.

Also in Resources is the story and compilation of books about donor conception.

Have fun with this place! I've just started talking with my five-year-old (have been talking about "family" definitions with my 10-year-old for a while now). It's a great bonding experience. And just the beginning of lifelong exploration of who is important to us, and why...how we consciously build connections, or not, with the people around us.

Quick reading and listening for new moms

If you need a quick reminder, in your sleep deprived haze of newborn baby boot camp, that you have made a legitimate choice in becoming a mother on your own....note that "Choice Mom," a term coined only five years ago in the book "Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide," was 2009 contender for word of the year by Oxford New American Dictionary.

And if you didn't already listen, find the time for online radio show #12 of "Choosing Single Motherhood," which is about surviving Newborn Baby Boot Camp as a single parent.

This too shall pass. You are becoming a great mother, surrounded by a wonderful community of like-minded Choice Moms.

Mikki

Baby boot camp

A woman on the Choice Mom discussion board wrote with a common issue: dealing with the exhaustion of single parenting a newborn. Women have been responding with wonderful insight and tips, which will be featured on an upcoming "Choosing Single Motherhood" radio show. But here's the query that precipitated the advice. Please respond to it here as well.

Hi ladies. My little one is now 1 week and 5 days old. I know the newborn weeks are tough, but I am struggling. She is the most precious baby ever, but she is wearing me out! During the day I feel like I don't know what to do with her. I end up holding her most of the day which I am afraid is making her sore and I know is keeping me from doing anything. The last few nights she has refused to sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time and by about 3 am I am usually in tears thinking I may have gotten in over my head.

So, my questions for you guys are:
How do you function during the day with a baby?
What do you do with them when you need to take a shower or make lunch? I have tried to get her to sleep so she can nap while I shower, but she doesn't want to sleep. If I get her to sleep she wakes up when I put her down.
Also, when they are awake during the day, what do you do with them? I feel like I should be entertaining her somehow but I end up just holding her and staring at her.
Lastly, breastfeeding is getting hard too. My nipples are so sore. I have been working with great lactation consultants and she seems to be latching well, but I am still in so much pain for the first few minutes she nurses. Will this go away soon? If so, when?
Also, after nursing her at night she is awake and I spend the next hour or so rocking her back to sleep. By the time she is close to sleep its time to feed her again!!

I have to go back to work in 6 weeks and I am very worried. I can't possibly work all day and be up all night - I will literally never sleep! I am enamored of her and love her more than anything. Everyone keeps saying it will get better and I believe them, but when? In a matter of weeks or months?

Help after baby arrives

A Choice Mom-in-the-making asked what kind of help she should try to line up before her child was born. Experienced moms on the Choice Mom discussion board responded with a unanimous "ask for all the help you can get." This insight from Lily was especially helpful.

You will need help especially for the first week at home. After that, you will need a human to talk to. A lot will depend on what you can get to easily. I can walk to all basic shops and the baby's doctor. I had a c-section, stayed in the hospital for three days (my doctor is mean and wouldn't let me stay the fourth). My mother stayed with me for five days. So I was totally on my own eight days after birth. It was kind of weird, but not that bad (except when the power went out in my high-rise; when it stayed off after several hours I had to organize up a group of people to come get me, the baby, and our stuff down nine flights of stairs and to someone else's house for the evening. Thankfully the power came back on right as I finished organizing who was doing what).

When my parents came back for another week, they were here during the day. For the most part, I could take care of the baby on my own, but not anything else. Once I was up and about, then I could cook/clean when he was sleeping, which they do a lot for the first few weeks.

I would suggest scheduling the helpers for the beginning, and the visitors after about two weeks.

In terms of having people get you stuff -- if you feel weird about taking their money, then get a bunch of gift cards from grocery stores, Target, etc., and give them the card so they don't have to pay for it themselves.

Also, something I found helpful (and it took me a mental change to do it) is to not be afraid to ask for specific things. Most people, when they say "if you need anything, just ask," do mean it, but the help doesn't materialize because the helpee feels funny asking.

I have learned that if someone is in a position to need help, I offer something specific. "I'm going to the grocery store/cleaners/drugstore..." Or, "can I bring dinner tonight?" Or, "I have three free hours this afternoon, do you want me to babysit?" Rather than tossing out a generic offer.

I also hired a post-partum doula to come after the second week, to come a few times a week to help do things, show me how to bathe the baby, cut his nails, and just give me a break. Friends are cheaper, but doulas can be great (and show up during the work week).

You will also need some kind of backup plan in case you have to have a c-section. There will be restrictions on driving and you'll have a harder time doing things like lifting anything for longer (especially if it's an emergency c after labor). You will need someone who can take you and the baby to the pediatrician (they make you go back right after you get home), is on call in case you need to get back to a hospital, and someone to do the heavy lifting.

Good luck!

What I've learned about motherhood so far

submitted by Denise

Hey Ladies,

After 10 months of motherhood, these are just a few of the things that I have learned.

1. Your baby will stick their fingers up your nose and pry open your mouth while you are trying to sleep.

2. Bodily fluids become normal and natural, even something to be celebrated. "Yay, she pooped!"

3. You will have to count the amount of wet diapers that your baby produces everyday and tell your pediatrician or Doctor.

4. You will never, ever be able to sleep in again. Or at least not for a very very long time.

5. It is a good idea to go to your local police/fire station to see if you have installed your car seat correctly. I went to the local fire station and guess what? I had not installed mine properly and they fixed it for me. It was also a bonus to see the hunky fire fighters that were there. Is it a prerequisite for the job to be a hunk?

6. You can buy nursing pads that are re-usable and washable. They are fantastic!!

7. Your support system is essential.

8. It is a strength to be able to ask for help when you need it, not a weakness. We are all humans and we all need one another.

9. At some point after you have your first, you will consider having another one.

10. You may or may not grieve your SMC status. I think that you will be more at peace with your decision to be an SMC if you are divorced as opposed to never married. However, I may be wrong on this. I will let you know in a few years.

11. The love that you have for your child/children is not like any love that you have ever experienced or that you will ever experience. It is unique, special, unconditional and lifelong. I am 41 and mom STILL worries about me.

12. It is possible to be really really tired but really really happy at the same time.

13. You won't resent the fact that you can no longer go to bars and dance the night away till 5 am. And even if you get a babysitter, it is unlikely that you will do that.

14. Separation anxiety is very real and a bit troubling even though it is very normal.

15. Unless you really love your job (and even if) you probably won't want to go back to work after your 1 year mat leave (I am speaking to my fellow Canadians here, I frankly cannot even fathom only getting 6 weeks or so. I feel for the American SMC's).

16. Having your own baby will probably bring you close(r) to your own mom/parents. Again, I could be wrong here but it definitely brought me closer to my mom and we were already VERY close.

17. The only truly "free" time that you will have is when your child naps and sleeps at night. Yahoo for that. Use that time wisely.

18. Every time that your baby smiles at you or laughs with you, your heart will melt.

Well, I guess that is all for now. Just thought I would share. Feel free to add on.

Dealing with the "What Ifs"

submitted by Cathi

The first few weeks (and months, and maybe years?) of motherhood are a beautiful and emotional time. You bond with Baby, and learn about each other, and stare dreamily into each others' eyes.

You are also wracked with hormones, and lack of sleep, and an almost overpowering, choking terror.

I tell you this not to make you cry, but because most people tell you lots about that first part and not a lot about the second. It’s one of those nasty secrets mothers keep, like what the real pain of childbirth is like and how breastfeeding totally sucks, and the fact that almost everyone has a miscarriage, and it’s always awful for everyone, forever, no matter what.

There are beautiful things about motherhood, don’t get me wrong, but the What Ifs were almost overwhelming for me.

I’ve always been a worrier, but, on the whole, pretty optimistic. I know that there are certain things I cannot avoid. I’m left-handed, so I have more odd injuries than the average person. For example, while I may be better with scissors nowadays, I am always going to burn myself when I bake, and I’m usually going to cut myself when I use my really big knife. I’m more cautious about stairs than most, since I fell into a parking lot a few years ago and cracked my head open on a truck bumper (100+ stitches!). But otherwise, I tend to have a ‘what happens, happens’ type of mentality about whatever is around the next corner.

That is, I did until Baby arrived.

Oh, the fear. It starts from the first moment you hear that first wail. Is the baby healthy? Is that normal? Did the doctor really wash his hands, or does he ‘wash’ them the same way I ‘wash’ mine, which is definitely not for the amount of time it takes to sing a verse of ‘Happy Birthday.’ Is the nurse having troubles at home and isn’t focused on what she’s doing? Am I anti-feminist because I just labeled the doctor a man and the nurse a woman, and I’m already screwing up my child?

When you leave the hospital it gets worse. What if there’s a drunk driver on the road and we get side-swiped? What if there’s a big truck ahead of us hauling enormous spiky metal poles, and one slams through the windshield – will I have enough time to throw myself in front of the baby? (Seriously, I thought that, and was wondering what my reflexes were like after a C-section and some pain meds).

You get home, and you realize how many nightmarish incidents can occur there. What if there’s a hot spot in the formula? What if I trip? What if the swing comes unhooked and flies off, carnival-accident-style?

Even the most sensible, rational person can concoct crazy, horrible possibilities.

Ten months later it hasn’t stopped. I constantly torture myself. For example, last night we were getting ready to get in the tub. I set her in first, turned around, and thought, 'What if I slid on the floor right now and was knocked unconscious?'

My biggest fear is that something happens to me on a Friday night, and no one discovers my cold, hungry, wet, scared, lonely, sobbing, totally pissed-off Baby until Monday morning.

It's very scary being a mother, and very scary being one on your own. But I think, at least for me, thoughts like this help me be more careful, take fewer chances, and be a lot more attentive than I might normally be. Not that I was all wild and reckless before. But the incredible responsibility of taking care of another being (which includes taking care of myself) has hit me hard. I now make sure to turn all pot and pan handles to the back of the stove, even though she's nowhere near able to stand on her own, let alone reach them. I put up ridiculously secure baby gates, especially at the top of the stairs using majorly serious butterfly toggles. I take vitamins now and get flu shots. I wear non-slip socks or slippers. I FLOSS.

There will always be situations that are difficult. And I will always worry that I am doing the right thing or making the right decision. But the same is true for married parents and gay parents and older parents. It doesn't matter what kind of parent you are. It's just plain nerve-wracking. And somehow we manage to suck it up and do our best and hope that's enough.

I certainly don’t want Baby to be an anxious, nervous child. And that means overcoming fears to be the person Baby needs you to be -- a confident, secure, cheerful (albeit somewhat crazy) mom.

Just don’t look out the windows if you hear a noise late at night, because there are hopped-up, on-the-lam, sharp-shooting burglars waiting to take you out so they can get the kid. I know, because I’ve got my plan to fight them off all worked out in my head.

Now that you're Mom...another step you need to take

also posted on Waiting and Choice Mom blogs, because it's just that important:

I just learned that a 40-year-old Choice Mom-in-the-making, who lived in the D.C. area, suddenly died Christmas Day while 32.5-weeks pregnant, from the very rare pregnancy complication of HELLPS (Hemolytic anemia, Elevated Liver enzymes, and Low Platelet count).

Her baby boy was born safely, but she did not get to meet him.

On SO many levels this is tragic and makes all of us in the Choice Mom community stop with a collective gasp and remember what a blessing it is that all of us are here to enjoy the friends and family that surround us.

There are two silver linings in this woman's story.

One is that she was connected to her local Single Mothers by Choice community, which is now contributing to a trust fund in her son's name. Choice Moms is now beginning the steps toward establishing a fundraising event to involve our worldwide community. I'll continue to post here as this develops.

The second silver lining is that she was as prepared as anyone can be for this kind of tragedy.

This woman already had a guardian picked out, life insurance, and a will prepared. But most of us don't have this level of foresight, especially when we are so eager to conceive, deliver and embark on motherhood for the first time.

Choice Moms wants to help all of us become better educated about the importance of these steps BEFORE you plan to bring a child home. As Jessica, who told me about this woman's story, pointed out, many insurance companies won't give you insurance if you are pregnant.

We are hosting an event in D.C. on May 9 (day before Mother's Day) to build awareness of the importance of preparing for your child financially and legally....now. Stay tuned to ChoiceMoms.org for more information about this event, as well as partners who can help you get your paperwork, and more, in order.

when you wish you could quit

A new Choice Mom wrote about her exhaustion with the first months of motherhood. Women in the community chimed in with support. Here are two of the responses:


Said Julia:
It is not easy. I find myself thinking the same thing about how could I have ever thought that I could handle this on my own. It comes in waves (my daughter is 3), but in the end she is the best thing that ever happened to me - even though it has been the hardest 3 years of my life. It does get incrementally better as they are able to do for themselves, and you will regain your strength as she sleeps longer (and she will!) and you will feel better about things. Let your inner strength and adrenaline take over for a bit and push through these arduous nights and I promise you it will be worth it!

The sleep deprivation is one of the hardest parts because then you are not in your right mind to stay centered and deal with the rest of parenting. I think all parents (single or otherwise) find it challenging - we just don't have anyone else to take a shift. It is normal to start feeling downright resentful when you don't get to sleep, eat, take a shower etc - but just let that go and try to simplify everything to basics. ASK for help - even if it is just to have someone else come over and sit with her while you sleep. Take care of yourself so you have something left to give her.

Try not to worry about the future (i.e. anxiety about when you go back to work, losing your job, house etc). In retrospect I realize that the worst part about the situations I've been in is the stress and anxiety I put on myself. Just take it one minute at a time (literally - even the whole day seems to much to think about at this point).

But mostly, find a support network to plug into so you don't feel so isolated in your struggle. There are plenty of other new moms feeling the same way out there, single or otherwise!

Hang in there! It will get better. Not necessarily easy, but as they start to emerge from this little creature who just needs so much all the time to one that gives you so much joy, it will seem so much better.

Responded another Choice Mom:

I'm so glad to have read all these posts! I adopted (was in the process for 21 months) my daughter from the foster care system. She came to live with me when she was 4 months old. She's now 2 years. I thought it would be easier than the child I gave birth to because I didn't start my parenting of her while I was hormonal and sleep-deprived. But, to my astonishment, the sleep deprivation came right along after
a few weeks of having her (and seemed to be a much stronger factor in my lack of mental clarity than the hormonal changes!).

Even though I wanted to have this child so badly, I OFTEN thought of giving her back (a real possibility because it took so long for her to be legally mine). I would just tell myself, not today ... but if I still feel like giving her back tomorrow, I'll think about it then. Of course, every tomorrow became today and I never did give her back. But, I spent months and months feeling awful because I wanted this child so much, had fought so hard to have her placed with me as a single mom, and here I was thinking (and sometimes making plans) about giving her back.

It's reassuring to know that other Choice Moms have felt the same way. I've rarely heard anyone talk about these feelings so candidly. It seems like such a long time ago now that I was seriously contemplating my other options, especially when I see her tenderly rubbing her sister's back or saying Good night Mommy :-) Occasionally, I still wonder if I made the right choice (in the same way that someone else posted about giving the child to a "real" family), but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Thanks again to everyone who has posted. It's a great reassurance to know that others out there have faced the same concerns.