Feeling alone, and tired, as a new single mom

New Choice Mom Jo, 36, wrote when her daughter was 11 weeks old. Her daughter was conceived accidentally (failed contraception), shortly before her relationship ended, and she opted to raise her child alone. "She is beautiful, a joy, but I am really struggling with being a single parent. I do have a support network of family and friends but there's only a limited amount others can do. What I really miss is the loving arms of a partner telling me that everything's gonna be alright and I'm loved. I just wondered if any of you other moms have felt similarly when the reality hit."

As I responded:
Welcome to the journey! For me, the newborn year was definitely hardest. While there were great joys, and help for the first few months, there also was great fatigue and not knowing what I was doing...being afraid she would break if I did something wrong.

And then, with my second, I knew what I was doing, that he wouldn't break easily, but he didn't let me sleep through the night for an entire year, which was godawful. (He retrained me though; now I seem able to exist on six hours of sleep.)

I'm also not a baby person. But it did get much easier for me, with both of my kids, as they became more able to sit, babble, interact.

And even though they are now 9 and 4, I do still sometimes wish I had arms to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. Not usually related to parenting, but other life stresses.

As Kali wrote:
Gosh, your email really touched me. Consider this a cyber-hug.

Being a Choice Mom is really hard sometimes!! When people have asked me how I have found motherhood, I tell them that is is more than I ever imagined. I imagined that it would be REALLY REALLY hard, and it is so much harder. And I imagined that it would be REALLY REALLY wonderful, and it is so much more wonderful, too.

My daughter is 18 months, and I still have moments, sometimes days, when I really wish I had a husband to lean on for love and support.

It's hard to think logically when you are so emotional, but you are still post-partum and subject to all of the hormonal stuff that goes with it. Factor in the lack of sleep and general stress of trying to figure out this new little person who is dependent on you for EVERYTHING and it's natural to feel overwhelmed.

I am not sure the nature of your support system. But if there is something you really need, please let them know. I have found that people tend to do what they think they should, and sometimes they just don't know what you really need. So if you need a couple hours sleep, let them know that you need to hand off your daughter the second she is done eating and then go to bed. Or that you need them to cook dinner or run a load of laundry. Or give her bath or change her diaper or whatever. There are lots of things people can do for you or your daughter to give you a chance to catch your breath.

I promise it does get easier in the sense that you will start to trust your instincts around your daughter. There will absolutely be times when what has been working will suddenly stop, but you WILL figure it out again. And you will get better and better at doing so.

We're here if you need us.

After many more responses, Jo replied:
Oh thank you all SO much for your warm and candid replies. It helps so much to know that other women have been here and got through it. Thanks for your suggestions. I am already doing some of them. I am co-sleeping -- she sleeps so much better between feeds in with me.

To be honest, I think there is some conspiracy of silence about the sheer emotional exhaustion and toughness of the early days of motherhood. When I have spoken to some of my other friends who I met in childbirth preparation classes, although they are all married they feel very similarly -- and they HAVE got someone walking thru the door to give them a hug etc.

As well as the sheer fatigue and overwhelming busyness of caring for a newborn, I think the other thing I'm doing is grieving for the dream, or whatever the chapter in Mikki's book is called. The dream of the happy family unit with a wonderful guy who loves me and our baby.