Dealing with the "What Ifs"

submitted by Cathi

The first few weeks (and months, and maybe years?) of motherhood are a beautiful and emotional time. You bond with Baby, and learn about each other, and stare dreamily into each others' eyes.

You are also wracked with hormones, and lack of sleep, and an almost overpowering, choking terror.

I tell you this not to make you cry, but because most people tell you lots about that first part and not a lot about the second. It’s one of those nasty secrets mothers keep, like what the real pain of childbirth is like and how breastfeeding totally sucks, and the fact that almost everyone has a miscarriage, and it’s always awful for everyone, forever, no matter what.

There are beautiful things about motherhood, don’t get me wrong, but the What Ifs were almost overwhelming for me.

I’ve always been a worrier, but, on the whole, pretty optimistic. I know that there are certain things I cannot avoid. I’m left-handed, so I have more odd injuries than the average person. For example, while I may be better with scissors nowadays, I am always going to burn myself when I bake, and I’m usually going to cut myself when I use my really big knife. I’m more cautious about stairs than most, since I fell into a parking lot a few years ago and cracked my head open on a truck bumper (100+ stitches!). But otherwise, I tend to have a ‘what happens, happens’ type of mentality about whatever is around the next corner.

That is, I did until Baby arrived.

Oh, the fear. It starts from the first moment you hear that first wail. Is the baby healthy? Is that normal? Did the doctor really wash his hands, or does he ‘wash’ them the same way I ‘wash’ mine, which is definitely not for the amount of time it takes to sing a verse of ‘Happy Birthday.’ Is the nurse having troubles at home and isn’t focused on what she’s doing? Am I anti-feminist because I just labeled the doctor a man and the nurse a woman, and I’m already screwing up my child?

When you leave the hospital it gets worse. What if there’s a drunk driver on the road and we get side-swiped? What if there’s a big truck ahead of us hauling enormous spiky metal poles, and one slams through the windshield – will I have enough time to throw myself in front of the baby? (Seriously, I thought that, and was wondering what my reflexes were like after a C-section and some pain meds).

You get home, and you realize how many nightmarish incidents can occur there. What if there’s a hot spot in the formula? What if I trip? What if the swing comes unhooked and flies off, carnival-accident-style?

Even the most sensible, rational person can concoct crazy, horrible possibilities.

Ten months later it hasn’t stopped. I constantly torture myself. For example, last night we were getting ready to get in the tub. I set her in first, turned around, and thought, 'What if I slid on the floor right now and was knocked unconscious?'

My biggest fear is that something happens to me on a Friday night, and no one discovers my cold, hungry, wet, scared, lonely, sobbing, totally pissed-off Baby until Monday morning.

It's very scary being a mother, and very scary being one on your own. But I think, at least for me, thoughts like this help me be more careful, take fewer chances, and be a lot more attentive than I might normally be. Not that I was all wild and reckless before. But the incredible responsibility of taking care of another being (which includes taking care of myself) has hit me hard. I now make sure to turn all pot and pan handles to the back of the stove, even though she's nowhere near able to stand on her own, let alone reach them. I put up ridiculously secure baby gates, especially at the top of the stairs using majorly serious butterfly toggles. I take vitamins now and get flu shots. I wear non-slip socks or slippers. I FLOSS.

There will always be situations that are difficult. And I will always worry that I am doing the right thing or making the right decision. But the same is true for married parents and gay parents and older parents. It doesn't matter what kind of parent you are. It's just plain nerve-wracking. And somehow we manage to suck it up and do our best and hope that's enough.

I certainly don’t want Baby to be an anxious, nervous child. And that means overcoming fears to be the person Baby needs you to be -- a confident, secure, cheerful (albeit somewhat crazy) mom.

Just don’t look out the windows if you hear a noise late at night, because there are hopped-up, on-the-lam, sharp-shooting burglars waiting to take you out so they can get the kid. I know, because I’ve got my plan to fight them off all worked out in my head.

Now that you're Mom...another step you need to take

also posted on Waiting and Choice Mom blogs, because it's just that important:

I just learned that a 40-year-old Choice Mom-in-the-making, who lived in the D.C. area, suddenly died Christmas Day while 32.5-weeks pregnant, from the very rare pregnancy complication of HELLPS (Hemolytic anemia, Elevated Liver enzymes, and Low Platelet count).

Her baby boy was born safely, but she did not get to meet him.

On SO many levels this is tragic and makes all of us in the Choice Mom community stop with a collective gasp and remember what a blessing it is that all of us are here to enjoy the friends and family that surround us.

There are two silver linings in this woman's story.

One is that she was connected to her local Single Mothers by Choice community, which is now contributing to a trust fund in her son's name. Choice Moms is now beginning the steps toward establishing a fundraising event to involve our worldwide community. I'll continue to post here as this develops.

The second silver lining is that she was as prepared as anyone can be for this kind of tragedy.

This woman already had a guardian picked out, life insurance, and a will prepared. But most of us don't have this level of foresight, especially when we are so eager to conceive, deliver and embark on motherhood for the first time.

Choice Moms wants to help all of us become better educated about the importance of these steps BEFORE you plan to bring a child home. As Jessica, who told me about this woman's story, pointed out, many insurance companies won't give you insurance if you are pregnant.

We are hosting an event in D.C. on May 9 (day before Mother's Day) to build awareness of the importance of preparing for your child financially and legally....now. Stay tuned to ChoiceMoms.org for more information about this event, as well as partners who can help you get your paperwork, and more, in order.

when you wish you could quit

A new Choice Mom wrote about her exhaustion with the first months of motherhood. Women in the community chimed in with support. Here are two of the responses:


Said Julia:
It is not easy. I find myself thinking the same thing about how could I have ever thought that I could handle this on my own. It comes in waves (my daughter is 3), but in the end she is the best thing that ever happened to me - even though it has been the hardest 3 years of my life. It does get incrementally better as they are able to do for themselves, and you will regain your strength as she sleeps longer (and she will!) and you will feel better about things. Let your inner strength and adrenaline take over for a bit and push through these arduous nights and I promise you it will be worth it!

The sleep deprivation is one of the hardest parts because then you are not in your right mind to stay centered and deal with the rest of parenting. I think all parents (single or otherwise) find it challenging - we just don't have anyone else to take a shift. It is normal to start feeling downright resentful when you don't get to sleep, eat, take a shower etc - but just let that go and try to simplify everything to basics. ASK for help - even if it is just to have someone else come over and sit with her while you sleep. Take care of yourself so you have something left to give her.

Try not to worry about the future (i.e. anxiety about when you go back to work, losing your job, house etc). In retrospect I realize that the worst part about the situations I've been in is the stress and anxiety I put on myself. Just take it one minute at a time (literally - even the whole day seems to much to think about at this point).

But mostly, find a support network to plug into so you don't feel so isolated in your struggle. There are plenty of other new moms feeling the same way out there, single or otherwise!

Hang in there! It will get better. Not necessarily easy, but as they start to emerge from this little creature who just needs so much all the time to one that gives you so much joy, it will seem so much better.

Responded another Choice Mom:

I'm so glad to have read all these posts! I adopted (was in the process for 21 months) my daughter from the foster care system. She came to live with me when she was 4 months old. She's now 2 years. I thought it would be easier than the child I gave birth to because I didn't start my parenting of her while I was hormonal and sleep-deprived. But, to my astonishment, the sleep deprivation came right along after
a few weeks of having her (and seemed to be a much stronger factor in my lack of mental clarity than the hormonal changes!).

Even though I wanted to have this child so badly, I OFTEN thought of giving her back (a real possibility because it took so long for her to be legally mine). I would just tell myself, not today ... but if I still feel like giving her back tomorrow, I'll think about it then. Of course, every tomorrow became today and I never did give her back. But, I spent months and months feeling awful because I wanted this child so much, had fought so hard to have her placed with me as a single mom, and here I was thinking (and sometimes making plans) about giving her back.

It's reassuring to know that other Choice Moms have felt the same way. I've rarely heard anyone talk about these feelings so candidly. It seems like such a long time ago now that I was seriously contemplating my other options, especially when I see her tenderly rubbing her sister's back or saying Good night Mommy :-) Occasionally, I still wonder if I made the right choice (in the same way that someone else posted about giving the child to a "real" family), but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Thanks again to everyone who has posted. It's a great reassurance to know that others out there have faced the same concerns.

tips for newborn stage

We had three new Choice Moms within a week here in Minnesota recently -- all moms to newborn girls -- and the common question came up: any tips for dealing with the exhaustion and logistics in these early days, especially if there aren't many family members around to help? The local Choice Moms responded with great advice:

From Debbie, mother of an 11-year-old daughter:
1. My big recommendation — get out of the house. Plan to meet at the mall at 7 in the morning and go mallwalking.

2. Don't worry about cleaning your house. In the big scheme of things, food and clothing comes before cleanliness. If you vacuum, do dishes and clean the bathroom every now and then that is good. Forget about dust, children's toys, scrubbing floors, yard work. Or hire a cleaning lady — we deserve it.

3. Sometimes it is nice to just have someone over to talk to or to hold the baby while you try to get some things done. Don't be afraid to ask. Or work out deals with the other new moms. Meet at each others houses while one does laundry, or better yet meet at Target.

4. AND, don't forget take naps when she does. Most of the things you think you want to do can wait and it is easier to be a good Mom when you are rested. You will need lots of sleep for a while.

From Joyce, mother of an 8-year-old daughter:

I remember being so scared to leave the hospital. I could not believe they were letting me take this baby home. I had no idea what I was doing! Emma's first bath was comical and I'm lucky I did not break her neck the way it flopped around.

5. Take one day at a time and make meals, etc. very simple. Get as much sleep as you can. Even ask someone to come over and watch her so that you can sleep.

6. When they are tiny babies, you can get bored because they sleep so much. Like Debbie suggested, make sure you get out and about. I know the Burnsville Center has an organized Stretch and Stroll event. Perhaps other malls do too.

7. Grocery delivery comes in very handy, when you need it. Simons Delivers is now Coburns Delivers, plus Lunds & Byerly's also deliver (or you can pick up through their drive through). You can get diapers and everything. It is expensive, but sometimes, especially in the winter, you need it.

From Susan, mother of a 6-month-0ld son:

First, congratulations! What an amazing adventure you have just begun. Regarding your fears of doing it all alone without family — I am in the very same situation and I know exactly how you feel.

8. As hard as it is, accept whatever help your friends offer. I still struggle with accepting help, but I am always glad when I do. Very early on, when I was ridiculously sleep-deprived, I had a friend come over occasionally for an hour or two so I could sleep. They would watch the baby, or take out the trash for me, or do the dishes. They also brought me food. I had a hard time eating much during my maternity leave, because I only had one hand free most of the time, so I greatly appreciated it whenever someone brought me food.

9. The other thing I did was hire a post-partum doula who came over 1-2x a week from 10p.m -6 a.m. I still got up to nurse my son, but she would take him in between feedings and I was able to catch up on a little sleep. She also folded my laundry, which was great. It was expensive, but again, a life-saver. Try this website for finding a post-partum doula. They can come at night or during the day for a few hours. I learned a lot from my doula and she helped me through a few of the early "milestones," like giving him his first bath.

Feeling alone, and tired, as a new single mom

New Choice Mom Jo, 36, wrote when her daughter was 11 weeks old. Her daughter was conceived accidentally (failed contraception), shortly before her relationship ended, and she opted to raise her child alone. "She is beautiful, a joy, but I am really struggling with being a single parent. I do have a support network of family and friends but there's only a limited amount others can do. What I really miss is the loving arms of a partner telling me that everything's gonna be alright and I'm loved. I just wondered if any of you other moms have felt similarly when the reality hit."

As I responded:
Welcome to the journey! For me, the newborn year was definitely hardest. While there were great joys, and help for the first few months, there also was great fatigue and not knowing what I was doing...being afraid she would break if I did something wrong.

And then, with my second, I knew what I was doing, that he wouldn't break easily, but he didn't let me sleep through the night for an entire year, which was godawful. (He retrained me though; now I seem able to exist on six hours of sleep.)

I'm also not a baby person. But it did get much easier for me, with both of my kids, as they became more able to sit, babble, interact.

And even though they are now 9 and 4, I do still sometimes wish I had arms to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. Not usually related to parenting, but other life stresses.

As Kali wrote:
Gosh, your email really touched me. Consider this a cyber-hug.

Being a Choice Mom is really hard sometimes!! When people have asked me how I have found motherhood, I tell them that is is more than I ever imagined. I imagined that it would be REALLY REALLY hard, and it is so much harder. And I imagined that it would be REALLY REALLY wonderful, and it is so much more wonderful, too.

My daughter is 18 months, and I still have moments, sometimes days, when I really wish I had a husband to lean on for love and support.

It's hard to think logically when you are so emotional, but you are still post-partum and subject to all of the hormonal stuff that goes with it. Factor in the lack of sleep and general stress of trying to figure out this new little person who is dependent on you for EVERYTHING and it's natural to feel overwhelmed.

I am not sure the nature of your support system. But if there is something you really need, please let them know. I have found that people tend to do what they think they should, and sometimes they just don't know what you really need. So if you need a couple hours sleep, let them know that you need to hand off your daughter the second she is done eating and then go to bed. Or that you need them to cook dinner or run a load of laundry. Or give her bath or change her diaper or whatever. There are lots of things people can do for you or your daughter to give you a chance to catch your breath.

I promise it does get easier in the sense that you will start to trust your instincts around your daughter. There will absolutely be times when what has been working will suddenly stop, but you WILL figure it out again. And you will get better and better at doing so.

We're here if you need us.

After many more responses, Jo replied:
Oh thank you all SO much for your warm and candid replies. It helps so much to know that other women have been here and got through it. Thanks for your suggestions. I am already doing some of them. I am co-sleeping -- she sleeps so much better between feeds in with me.

To be honest, I think there is some conspiracy of silence about the sheer emotional exhaustion and toughness of the early days of motherhood. When I have spoken to some of my other friends who I met in childbirth preparation classes, although they are all married they feel very similarly -- and they HAVE got someone walking thru the door to give them a hug etc.

As well as the sheer fatigue and overwhelming busyness of caring for a newborn, I think the other thing I'm doing is grieving for the dream, or whatever the chapter in Mikki's book is called. The dream of the happy family unit with a wonderful guy who loves me and our baby.

Creating a support network

submitted by Lara

It seems that the most common question I've gotten both from health professionals and others is "what kind of support system do you have?" or "you must have a huge support system to being doing so well with twins." My answer is always I have enough. And I have had enough for the most part. I've had a day or two where a break or an extra set of hands would have made me a happier and more productive mommy but I make do.

I was asked at a smc local group recently "what do you do if you don't have a lot of family or support around?" I answered "you create your support system one person at a time."

My family is as supportive as they can be but the closest family member lives 2+ hours away. I had a handful of people that I knew I could rely on if I needed to. Some of them I rely heavily on and some not at all. It depends on where I'm at on any given day or week. It also depends on how comfortable I am with them and my children. Since the babies have been born I've continued to increase my support network. I've joined the local single mothers by choice group, the mother of twins club and a local mom's group. I go on play dates (not that they play yet but they will soon) and I go to a breastfeeding support group. I've met wonderful women who make me feel good about myself and my parenting skills. I've found that most mom's who are in relationships have the same feelings that I have about motherhood. We are all the same, some just have a partner.

So just like I chose to have a child(ren) on my own, I chose to have a developing support group. There can never be too many people loving and supporting me and my boy's.

Newborn needs

A group of Choice Moms on the discussion board have been offering tips on must-have items for the newborn months. One woman is compiling the list and we will make it available soon on the ChoiceMoms.org website in the BECOMING section.

But this particular post seemed especially apt, submitted by J Moran:

required
1) two arms
2) two breasts
nice to have:
3) a boppy
4) a "carrier" (sling or other)
5) lots of "onesies"
extra:
5) a mini pack n play (takes up less space and holds your child until
they are at least 1 maybe 2)

that's about it, really. all they need is you!