Quick reading and listening for new moms

If you need a quick reminder, in your sleep deprived haze of newborn baby boot camp, that you have made a legitimate choice in becoming a mother on your own....note that "Choice Mom," a term coined only five years ago in the book "Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide," was 2009 contender for word of the year by Oxford New American Dictionary.

And if you didn't already listen, find the time for online radio show #12 of "Choosing Single Motherhood," which is about surviving Newborn Baby Boot Camp as a single parent.

This too shall pass. You are becoming a great mother, surrounded by a wonderful community of like-minded Choice Moms.

Mikki

Baby boot camp

A woman on the Choice Mom discussion board wrote with a common issue: dealing with the exhaustion of single parenting a newborn. Women have been responding with wonderful insight and tips, which will be featured on an upcoming "Choosing Single Motherhood" radio show. But here's the query that precipitated the advice. Please respond to it here as well.

Hi ladies. My little one is now 1 week and 5 days old. I know the newborn weeks are tough, but I am struggling. She is the most precious baby ever, but she is wearing me out! During the day I feel like I don't know what to do with her. I end up holding her most of the day which I am afraid is making her sore and I know is keeping me from doing anything. The last few nights she has refused to sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time and by about 3 am I am usually in tears thinking I may have gotten in over my head.

So, my questions for you guys are:
How do you function during the day with a baby?
What do you do with them when you need to take a shower or make lunch? I have tried to get her to sleep so she can nap while I shower, but she doesn't want to sleep. If I get her to sleep she wakes up when I put her down.
Also, when they are awake during the day, what do you do with them? I feel like I should be entertaining her somehow but I end up just holding her and staring at her.
Lastly, breastfeeding is getting hard too. My nipples are so sore. I have been working with great lactation consultants and she seems to be latching well, but I am still in so much pain for the first few minutes she nurses. Will this go away soon? If so, when?
Also, after nursing her at night she is awake and I spend the next hour or so rocking her back to sleep. By the time she is close to sleep its time to feed her again!!

I have to go back to work in 6 weeks and I am very worried. I can't possibly work all day and be up all night - I will literally never sleep! I am enamored of her and love her more than anything. Everyone keeps saying it will get better and I believe them, but when? In a matter of weeks or months?

What I've learned about motherhood so far

submitted by Denise

Hey Ladies,

After 10 months of motherhood, these are just a few of the things that I have learned.

1. Your baby will stick their fingers up your nose and pry open your mouth while you are trying to sleep.

2. Bodily fluids become normal and natural, even something to be celebrated. "Yay, she pooped!"

3. You will have to count the amount of wet diapers that your baby produces everyday and tell your pediatrician or Doctor.

4. You will never, ever be able to sleep in again. Or at least not for a very very long time.

5. It is a good idea to go to your local police/fire station to see if you have installed your car seat correctly. I went to the local fire station and guess what? I had not installed mine properly and they fixed it for me. It was also a bonus to see the hunky fire fighters that were there. Is it a prerequisite for the job to be a hunk?

6. You can buy nursing pads that are re-usable and washable. They are fantastic!!

7. Your support system is essential.

8. It is a strength to be able to ask for help when you need it, not a weakness. We are all humans and we all need one another.

9. At some point after you have your first, you will consider having another one.

10. You may or may not grieve your SMC status. I think that you will be more at peace with your decision to be an SMC if you are divorced as opposed to never married. However, I may be wrong on this. I will let you know in a few years.

11. The love that you have for your child/children is not like any love that you have ever experienced or that you will ever experience. It is unique, special, unconditional and lifelong. I am 41 and mom STILL worries about me.

12. It is possible to be really really tired but really really happy at the same time.

13. You won't resent the fact that you can no longer go to bars and dance the night away till 5 am. And even if you get a babysitter, it is unlikely that you will do that.

14. Separation anxiety is very real and a bit troubling even though it is very normal.

15. Unless you really love your job (and even if) you probably won't want to go back to work after your 1 year mat leave (I am speaking to my fellow Canadians here, I frankly cannot even fathom only getting 6 weeks or so. I feel for the American SMC's).

16. Having your own baby will probably bring you close(r) to your own mom/parents. Again, I could be wrong here but it definitely brought me closer to my mom and we were already VERY close.

17. The only truly "free" time that you will have is when your child naps and sleeps at night. Yahoo for that. Use that time wisely.

18. Every time that your baby smiles at you or laughs with you, your heart will melt.

Well, I guess that is all for now. Just thought I would share. Feel free to add on.

when you wish you could quit

A new Choice Mom wrote about her exhaustion with the first months of motherhood. Women in the community chimed in with support. Here are two of the responses:


Said Julia:
It is not easy. I find myself thinking the same thing about how could I have ever thought that I could handle this on my own. It comes in waves (my daughter is 3), but in the end she is the best thing that ever happened to me - even though it has been the hardest 3 years of my life. It does get incrementally better as they are able to do for themselves, and you will regain your strength as she sleeps longer (and she will!) and you will feel better about things. Let your inner strength and adrenaline take over for a bit and push through these arduous nights and I promise you it will be worth it!

The sleep deprivation is one of the hardest parts because then you are not in your right mind to stay centered and deal with the rest of parenting. I think all parents (single or otherwise) find it challenging - we just don't have anyone else to take a shift. It is normal to start feeling downright resentful when you don't get to sleep, eat, take a shower etc - but just let that go and try to simplify everything to basics. ASK for help - even if it is just to have someone else come over and sit with her while you sleep. Take care of yourself so you have something left to give her.

Try not to worry about the future (i.e. anxiety about when you go back to work, losing your job, house etc). In retrospect I realize that the worst part about the situations I've been in is the stress and anxiety I put on myself. Just take it one minute at a time (literally - even the whole day seems to much to think about at this point).

But mostly, find a support network to plug into so you don't feel so isolated in your struggle. There are plenty of other new moms feeling the same way out there, single or otherwise!

Hang in there! It will get better. Not necessarily easy, but as they start to emerge from this little creature who just needs so much all the time to one that gives you so much joy, it will seem so much better.

Responded another Choice Mom:

I'm so glad to have read all these posts! I adopted (was in the process for 21 months) my daughter from the foster care system. She came to live with me when she was 4 months old. She's now 2 years. I thought it would be easier than the child I gave birth to because I didn't start my parenting of her while I was hormonal and sleep-deprived. But, to my astonishment, the sleep deprivation came right along after
a few weeks of having her (and seemed to be a much stronger factor in my lack of mental clarity than the hormonal changes!).

Even though I wanted to have this child so badly, I OFTEN thought of giving her back (a real possibility because it took so long for her to be legally mine). I would just tell myself, not today ... but if I still feel like giving her back tomorrow, I'll think about it then. Of course, every tomorrow became today and I never did give her back. But, I spent months and months feeling awful because I wanted this child so much, had fought so hard to have her placed with me as a single mom, and here I was thinking (and sometimes making plans) about giving her back.

It's reassuring to know that other Choice Moms have felt the same way. I've rarely heard anyone talk about these feelings so candidly. It seems like such a long time ago now that I was seriously contemplating my other options, especially when I see her tenderly rubbing her sister's back or saying Good night Mommy :-) Occasionally, I still wonder if I made the right choice (in the same way that someone else posted about giving the child to a "real" family), but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Thanks again to everyone who has posted. It's a great reassurance to know that others out there have faced the same concerns.

Week 10: Being a new mom

submitted by Cathi

Well, I started back to work yesterday, and if I thought I was tired
BEFORE, man, it's going to be a tough week! Err, make that, tough
year.

Jenny is now 2 ½ months old and sleeping in longer chunks which makes
it a little easier, but it's still really tough not to have someone
to hand her over to. I guess I thought she'd be magically sleeping
through the night by now. My friends have really stepped up to help
out, and try to take turns keeping her for a night every other week
or so, which lets me get at least one full night's sleep here and
there. It makes a HUGE difference. I still cry a lot, but I think
it's from the sleep deprivation more than any depression, since I
generally feel pretty good about stuff despite the crushing
responsibility that I'm reminded of every time I look at her.

Generally I'm still shocked that she's mine – I don't know when you
adjust to the fact that this child is yours, but I still feel
sometimes like I'm babysitting or wonder where she came from. I
definitely miss the little things I took for granted (like being able
to hop out of the car to run in for something quick, like a gas
station Coke Icee!) and have resigned myself to eating all my meals
lukewarm for another year or so, but I don't regret my decision.
Don't get me wrong, I come close! It's way harder than I thought it
would be. I question every choice I make, second-guess myself
constantly, and worry about the craziest stuff. But I'm very lucky,
she's a calm and quiet baby, and very happy. Being able to work from
home is a gift, and I lucked out with the nanny (a young single mom
who charges me less because she brings her baby with her, who is 2
weeks older than Jenny).

My thoughts and wishes are with everyone still going through the
agony of trying and waiting and all the frustration and hope that
entails. ENJOY YOUR SLEEP. Go to a movie alone. Savor a hot meal that
isn't crackers dipped in peanut butter because you don't even have
time or energy to spread it. Come babysit for me :-). Realize that
some of us who have been successful are terrified constantly, wracked
with guilt, overwhelmed with the pressure of motherhood, and jealous
of you for the lives we once had. My fingers are crossed for you all
to experience this wonderful misery as well!

And please don't let me scare you, I just want to be very honest in
case there are people out there who have a less-than-realistic notion
of how this works out. No matter how many times people told me, 'It
will change your life', I apparently didn't believe them! I think
having more time off would help, because by then Baby should be
sleeping more. I would still suggest having some help at the beginning -
my mom was here for the first three weeks and I don't know that I
could have done it without her (I definitely wouldn't have bathed,
eaten, done laundry or napped ever, that's for sure).

Of course it's not horrible, but it's not easy. And if you see the
pictures, you can understand the reward. I would still do it all over
again in a heartbeat. As I type this now I've got a soft little snoozing head
resting on my chest because she had to get her 2-month shots this
morning (so traumatic for me! I burst into tears!) and she needs a
little extra mama snuggle time. My heart explodes when I look down at
her and I can't resist kissing the tip of her little button nose.
Need I say more?

for more from this new mom and her Jellybean, see her blogspot.